Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.