isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Sharon I have some bad news
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me, after a minor inconvenience: