Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
You Might Also Like
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
This checks out
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen