Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*