chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”