Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.