I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
So glad we cleared that up
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.