Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade