8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.