Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.