Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.