*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.