This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.