Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.