She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
this has done me in for some reason
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My boss called in sick of me
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.