The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.