I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-