one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
You Might Also Like
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Is….Is this an option?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.