I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Cucumbers Anonymous
Oh the world we live in…
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.