I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Stick it to the man
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.