Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
So the ex texted me