If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
This is so me 😂😂
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
How it started How it’s going
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.