When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Growing up was a huge mistake
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.