Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely