when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Damn what did I do next
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.