They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You Might Also Like
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Science memes
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids