*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.