Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.