[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.