Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You Might Also Like
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
when revenge coincides with naptime
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?