She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
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Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”