Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.