Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
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*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Love this one 😂🧟
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
These 3D printers are insane!
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’