Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Matt Goss
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…