Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?