person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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Harsh but fair
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.