Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Body by cheese-puffs.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.