Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Husband of the year 😂
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My birthstone is kidney
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.