According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers