I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Is this the real life?
Is this just
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.