[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
This is my cat’s medicine.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman