My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
#FunnyLife Insects
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Had an epiphany today.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.