“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.