*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no