I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong