Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The fall of Netflix
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.