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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.