[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
You Might Also Like
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed