Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
secret recipe
do horses think humans are hats
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Great game to play with friends
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
🏙👨🏼
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!