Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”